Have you ever noticed how easily it is to misunderstand or misinterpret another person’s words or actions?
I was listening to my husband give directions to one of our daughters over the phone. I could hear the frustration rise, on both sides, as the message being given was not the same one being received.
And I had an epiphany!
I realized two things that kept them from understanding each other and how these also affected my communications with others.
- We assume the other person thinks the same as we do.
- We assume the other person has the same experiences and understanding as we do.
As when my farmer husband, who grew up running equipment, tried to teach me to drive a motorbike. He couldn’t understand why I wanted instructions broken down into specific steps when it was second nature to him.
Heidi Grant Halvorson, a social psychologist, explains that most people suffer from “the transparency illusion” which is “the belief that what they feel, desire and intend is crystal clear to others, even though they have done very little to communicate clearly what is going on inside their minds.”
The speaker “might not spend the time or effort to be as clear and forthcoming about their intentions or emotional states as they could be, giving the perceiver very little information with which to make an accurate judgment.”
Also, many of us tend to be “cognitive misers,” lazy thinkers and we are content to trade off accuracy for speed in our perceptions.
It takes effort to communicate clearly.
But the effort given throughout a conversation is energy well spent. It’s more productive than time spent afterwards trying to clean up any misunderstandings.
Another factor that affects how well we communicate is that words have different meanings and associations for different people.
I used to get annoyed when my husband would ask how I was doing and if I replied okay, would carry on with his day, content that all was well. And with his response I would think he didn’t care.
Why the misunderstanding? Okay to him means the same as doing well. Okay to me means – Just okay. I’ve been better. I’m not doing so great. I need some sympathy. J
Words are powerful, and knowing that they mean different things to different people can go a long way in avoiding misunderstandings.
What’s the solution?
- Recognize that no one has had the same experiences as you, even if they grew up in the same home.
- Understand, that because of our individual natures, no one thinks exactly like you.
- Tune in and give focused attention to the discussion. Don’t let your thoughts wander or get distracted.
Being aware and willing to put some time and effort into truly understanding another’s communication is a sure-fire boost to strengthen any relationship!
With love,
