Part of my morning routine includes stating out loud a number of affirmations. These are based on Adam Markel’s code of conduct found in his book, “Pivot. The Art and Science of Reinventing Your Life.”
He based his declarations on Benjamin Franklin’s 13 Virtues. (I’ve looked up the actual 13 virtues and will most likely write about them at a later date. But my focus today is more personal.).
I’ll admit that sometimes I recite these declarations automatically without much thought, but my intention is to take a few moments each morning to ponder and think on what I am declaring.
One recent morning, I stopped on the phrase, “I experience myself living in absolute integrity and kindness today.”
I have always thought of that phrase as referring to my association with others. That I would be honest and truthful in my interactions. That I would be considerate and compassionate. And I believe that meaning is accurate, but this morning a different understanding came to mind.
I had been struggling with a request that had been made of me.
Because my schedule is flexible and I can choose the hours in the day I work and even the days I work, I was laying on the guilt for having said I was unable to help out.
I was torn, telling myself a whole host of guilt-inducing statements such as:
- You should always help when asked. That’s what a good person does.
- You should put aside your schedule. That’s what a good neighbor would do, even though it would create an overload on your day and possibly the rest of the week.
- You’re being selfish if you don’t say yes.
- What will those who are helping think if you aren’t there?
Have you repeated similar harsh statements to yourself? Can you see the glaring cognitive distortions and should statements that are not based in truth? Can you see the self-condemnation and judgement – all of which are creating unnecessary guilt?
Now, I’m not saying there are not times when we shouldn’t set aside our schedules and put another’s needs ahead of our own. In fact, I believe that through service and sacrifice we become stronger, more capable and compassionate individuals, but we need to know when to say no.
Here are 2 powerful ways of receiving answers when in doubt:
1. Listen to your body.
Are you experiencing a physical sensation, such as a clenching in your gut or heaviness in your heart that is telling you to say no? Or maybe you feel a twinge of excitement or an increase in energy which might mean saying yes is the thing to do?
Our bodies have their own wisdom that we may have stopped listening to over the years or never learned to recognize in the first place. Recognize that these physical feelings are communicating to you. And not listening can result in unhappiness and ill health.
2. Listen to your feelings.
Do feelings of resentment or anger come up? These may be a sign that your boundaries are being crossed and that no might be the best answer. Perhaps you need to do better at knowing and setting your own limits.
Maybe you feel generally positive or even neutral, and even though it might be inconvenient you know you could make it work. If that’s the case, I suggest, say yes.
So, what does all this have to do with the phrase I repeat every morning? “I experience myself living in absolute integrity and kindness today.”
Just as we live in integrity and kindness with those around us, so also must we learn to live in integrity and kindness with ourselves. We have the answers within if we choose to listen.
I encourage you today to listen and act on the messages your body and heart are giving you and thereby discover the peace that comes from making the best decisions for yourself and those around you.
With love,
