How often do you find yourself frustrated or angry? Has anger become an automatic response to certain situations? Are you afraid there is no way to change the habit? (Yes, anger can become a habit.)
When my children were young I too often responded in anger when things did not go as I believed they should. Though I may have been tired or overwhelmed, those were really not the reasons for the anger.
Rather, it was my belief about what was behind the action.
Wallace Goddard explained that “expressions of anger all say one thing: You are not following my rules for the universe.”
Notice the “my rules?”
Rigid rule keeping is one of psychology’s cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t true, but that we use to reinforce negative thinking or emotion.
Rigid rule keeping is having a list of rules about how we and other people should behave. When someone breaks the rules, we feel justified in being angry.
In His article, “Why Anger Doesn’t Work,” Wallace Goddard shared the following experience.
“I think of the evening when our young son found the finger paints while I was distracted, and Nancy was at a meeting. He applied them vigorously to our new carpet creating a breathtaking mural. When I discovered his creation, I could have reacted to the damage and inconvenience. I could have gotten angry, lectured him, and punished him.
“I did not. Maybe because I love Andy so much and knew that he was not malicious, I commented: ‘Andy, what spectacular use of color!’ Andy beamed.
“Then I explained. ‘Do you see this paper in the finger paint box? Normally we paint on this special paper so that we can hang your work on the fridge and show it to grandma.’ His eyes lit up, ‘Oh!’
“‘But when we paint on the carpet, people walk on it and it becomes a mess. Would you help me clean up the paint on the carpet then you can make a new work on the special paper?’
‘Oh! Sure, Dad!’
“We cleaned up the carpet and Andy created a new work of art—this time on paper. He never painted on the carpet again.”
What an effective way of managing one’s emotions. Rather than giving in to a judgment and then condemning the person in anger, instead Wallace Goddard responded differently.
He used potential anger as an opportunity to strengthen a relationship.
He states, “We can recognize irritation as an invitation to set aside our agenda and enter the mind and heart of the person who is irritating us.”
Instead of anger becoming an emotional burden to struggle with, why not change the dynamics and look at irritation as a message. An invitation to help you change your response and improve your relationship.
Is there a situation that is causing irritation in you? Can you now recognize the invitation inherent in your emotion? Instead of anger, can you choose to open your heart?
With love,
