Growing Together or Apart

I am a student of human nature. I love to study and understand why people think, say and do what they do.

Maybe you’re like me. Or if not, reading this short account might help you understand those around you who are.

Years ago, my husband would be watching the news. I’d be in the kitchen preparing dinner, half listening to the T.V. As soon as a human-interest story would come on, my ears would perk up and I’d listen in.

My husband, on the other hand, at that moment, would either switch to another news station, or if he’d seen the weather, he’d turn the T.V. off!

I’d call out that I was interested in that segment and he’d scramble to get it back on, but by then it would be over.

I used to get really annoyed with him because this was just one of many situations in which it seemed that whatever I was interested in, he wasn’t!

To be fair, I suppose I did the same to him. When he’d start talking about farm equipment, my mind would automatically tune out. I tried to be interested. Really, I did. But I could feel my eyes glaze over and my mind wander.

You may wonder, if we are so different in our interests, how could we possibly have stayed married for 27 years now?

I’ll tell you a secret. You may argue with me, but hear me out.

I remember learning something fascinating in a marriage preparation class I took in college. Yes, there is such a thing!

The importance of having our needs met. The problem is, too many people take that to mean, focusing on themselves and making sure their needs are met before anything else.

But there is a better way!

In short, when each partner focuses only on getting his/her own needs met, they grow apart as a companionship and the marriage struggles. Instead, when they focus on meeting each other’s needs, their individual needs are being met AND the marriage grows strong because of the act of serving one another.

Now, of course this is no easy feat! It takes a lot of giving and receiving and failing and trying again and again, but it works! One partner may have a harder time at figuring this out, but isn’t marriage about learning to grow together?

Though I may not be interested in farm equipment, I am interested in my husband and if I look in my husband’s eyes and focus on what he is saying, I can learn a thing or two and we can actually connect over farm equipment just because I am showing him he is more important to me than anything else.

After these many years now, my husband has figured out some of my interests and though they may be different then his, he has learned to consciously and actively notice them and support me in them, not because he is interested in them but because he is interested in me.

You may doubt its effectiveness. We have no control over the other person, but as you consciously make the effort, you may very well find the other person responding in like manner.

Best wishes in your most important relationships!

With love,

P.S. I am not kidding when I tell you that in the middle of writing these thoughts, my husband came into my office, sat down and started talking about his work that morning. I heard words like: “auger,” “seed truck,” “hydraulics,” “drills.” Considering what I was, at that moment preparing to share with you, I took my hands off the keyboard, turned the monitor away and gave him my full attention. Only a few minutes later I was treated to a big, appreciative hug and kiss!