Has communication ever been a challenge for you (or those you speak with?)?
Years ago my husband and I had fun discussing the possibility of adding a garage to our home.
One afternoon we were standing together looking out at the back of the house. I was talking about the pros and cons of the differing placements of the some-day garage. After not receiving any feedback, I stopped and asked my husband what he thought. He visibly started and asked, “What?” I repeated my question and he sheepishly replied, “Oh, I thought you were talking about the garbage.”
We both laughed about this obvious display of selective listening. He would have heard me if he had realized I was talking about the garage, but since he thought I was probably asking him to take out the garbage, he didn’t hear me.
Boyd Matheson, a communicator, journalist, editor, consultant, explains that
“Master communicators…believe that showing respect to another person in the form of active listening is the greatest communication skill of all.”
He frequently gave a seven-day listening challenge to corporate executives to help them recognize and improve their ability to communicate. He asked them to take notes and assess their listening habits based on the following four levels of listening:
- Ignoring. Of course, this is not really listening, yet it is often used when a receiver does not want to hear what a sender is saying. There may be various reasons for ignoring and we may even think they are legitimate. Regardless, when it feels like, “the lights are on but nobody is home,” then ignoring is happening.
- Selective. As my experience above shows, this occurs when one hears only what is wanted and blocks out the rest. We often experience selective listening during movies or sports games or mistakenly thinking about garbage instead of garages.
- Reflective. From my college psychology classes, this type of listening, repeating back and paraphrasing what was said, lets the person know you are listening and are truly interested. That you care. Reflective listening builds trust.
- Empathic. With empathic listening, you go beyond just hearing and rephrasing and you listen with your heart. You hear the meaning and intent behind what is being said.
Each style of listening brings about different results.
Paying attention to how you listen might open your eyes to ways you can improve and become a better communicator.
I appreciate the understanding of Earl Nightingale, an American radio speaker and author, who viewed active listening as the “I’ll make them glad they talked with me” attitude.
Join me in taking a seven-day challenge of noting and assessing our listening habits.
Instead of avoidance type listening, let’s experience the clear and fulfilling communication that comes with genuine listening.
With love,
